I work with teens and young adults who wish so much that their parents would really listen to them when they explain what they need and how they need help.
Parents who say they know EXACTLY what their kid needs and then proceed to bulldoze them instead of treating them with respect get a lot of resistance to regular, simple everyday things...waking up in the morning, remembering stuff, helping around the house, etc.
Kids are not lazy; they are seeking some self-respect and power where they can and even if it is subconscious, they do NOT want to comply and please someone who is angry, critical and over-bearing, someone who is never pleased anyway. What's the point?
I have been in some conversations lately in which moms and dads say that they don't care about anything except for their kid's safety and future real-world viability so they step over the relationship part. They just need to get their job done: to turn out a good citizen who can survive. I get this!!!! I do, but there's a bridge that can get us there. I know how to build it.
I will stand firm that the kids and families who thrive and the parents who do NOT feel like failures and doubt themselves constantly are the ones who LISTEN to their kids and have a grip on their own emotions and fears. The fruits of listening and being calm are what they wanted all along.
They find middle ground. They open their minds. They create agreements. They remove the emotion from the issues and talk about them like adults.
I was with a kid yesterday who is 15 and she said the MOST profound things about the inner workings of her home. She sees her parents' unhealthy and combative marriage. She sees their addictions. She sees them trying to control her, hyperfocusing on her...while neglecting their own health, happiness, well-being. She's right.
She and her mom proceeded to have a conversation with me that carried on in the car on their way home that was PRODUCTIVE, where they could both put their knives and shields down and have conversations for BEING A TEAM.
If you want to be a demanding ruler, I'm not for you.
If you want to be a teammate and a trusted adult in your kid's life who they want to share their wins and struggles with instead of acting it all out on you, I am for you.
No amount of rules and lectures can replace PEACE AND TRUST.